Enjoy the Ride

These last few months have been a roller coaster of a ride.  There have been great days, meh days, and then I don't want to move or breathe days.  Not until just recently have I been able to start enjoying the ride.  I now realize that the bad days are getting shorter and they help to bring me to total healing.

Part of this healing is coming to the realization that the single life is not as bad as I thought it would be.  I can do things when I want, how I want, and where I want to do them.  One of my passions is the great outdoors, be it fishing or hunting.  When I was married I gave up a lot of those passions in order to help support the family and also to spend time with my wife.  I no longer have to do this. I still have to support the family, I just do not have to pour as much energy in that as I used to.  As I pursue my passions my kids have become more interested in what I like to do.  This is helping them to become more rounded human beings.

Another huge step forward in healing was to start to dream on my own.  As you know if you have gone or are going through divorce the shattered dreams are the hardest to overcome.  I went to work everyday knowing what it was my ex and I dreamed of for the future; be it future vacations, the house we wanted to buy eventually, or the next vehicle.  These dreams were all there and etched into my brain.  After she first left I still clung to those dreams hoping to fulfill them.  As I continued to heal I realized that these dreams were not fully mine; they were ours, and that in order to heal I needed to have dreams that were mine.  These dreams look nothing like the dreams I had with my ex.  In fact these dreams do not have another person other then my children in them.

This is the key to healing, to be comfortable with being single.  Without going into a long tirade, our culture has relationships all wrong.  We put such a huge emphasis on finding your "soulmate" and to have a family we forget that it is perfectly fine to be single for a season.  In fact the season might end up being a lifetime, but being single does not mean you are alone.  The Bible talks about it is not good for man to be alone, it does not say it is not good for man not to be married. In fact Paul talked about for some men it is better to not be married in order to do more for the gospel.  I look at my life as I have been married, now divorced, and now is the time to be single for awhile if not for the rest of my life. I will never be alone.  Between having children, friends, and a church family there will always be someone in my life.

The ride you are on is going to be full of ups and downs, twists and turns.  There will be days that everything is flipped upside down.  Through it all though remember you are not alone on this journey, yes, you are single now.  Yes, you will have to realign your dreams to what you want.  This is a time of tremendous  growth if you will allow it to happen.  Enjoy the ride, allow the pain to teach you to be tougher and to grow into the man God made you to be.

Stay True to Yourself (even if its rediscovering who you are)

As I go through this painful process of divorce I have learned that being who I am is extremely important.  For years I have tried to be everything to everyone and lost perspective of who I was and am.  This led me to going into a rebound relationship when I was not ready for a relationship, I needed to heal and make sure I was strong enough to stay true to myself and be the best person I can be. 

At first the only question I had was "Who am I without the family I once knew?"  To be honest I did not know who I was.  I spent countless hours and sleepless nights thinking about this question and trying to find the answer.  One answer that I did get was none of this was a mistake, me being married and now divorced was not outside of God's plan for my life.  Right now in the middle of it I cannot see the good that is going to come out of this but I realize there are others who have traveled this road before me and have a much better life. 

Another aspect of my life I know I am is what many people would call a nice guy.  Understanding this was important because I am not able to comprehend how some men can go from one woman to the next without any remorse.  Or to put it more bluntly how men can have one night stands.  I am not built that way, I am a family guy and always will be. I love being the dad, being the husband who always comes home after work.  This was a huge enlightenment as it helped me to understand that I am not going to quickly get into a relationship, it is going to take some time to get there.

Becoming comfortable with being single is another area that I have learned to be true to myself.  It took this weekend to get there, actually spent a Friday night trying to watch a movie but instead sat in tears wanting to just talk to someone.  Instead of reaching out I forced myself to sit there by myself and feel the emotions.  Did it hurt? Hell yes, but afterwards I was able to become more comfortable with being single. 

Throughout this process I have learned that each day will bring something new that I will need to work through.  There are going to be moments of sadness, then moments of hope. The moments of hope help to bring through the moments of sadness.  I also know that if God brings someone new into my life down the road I want to make sure I can be a better person then when I was first married. I want to learn from my mistakes, and also to learn to be true to myself and be confident in who this person is.   This might mean it takes longer to find new love, but good things come to those who wait.  

Don't Give Up

When I first became single again and everything was fresh I became a hermit.  I did not want to go the places we went to, did not want to do the activities we would do together.  All I did was go to work, come home, and try to function as a dad.  Eventually I decided it was time to live again, but I knew that would mean to reopen some of the wounds that I had tried to put a band aide over.  These wounds had not healed and never would heal unless I started to live again. 

The first step was to go to the restaurant we both loved to go, it was our go to when we had no idea where we wanted to eat.  So one day I decided I am going to take myself there and move past the fact it was "our" place.  I did not last long there but once I moved past the pain I was able to move into a place of healing.  Some of the other activities was to go fishing the first time without my normal fishing buddy and going to church.  One activity I have not done yet and will probably do next year would be to go to the local minor league baseball game, we spent a ton of time there as a family. 

Going back to church was probably the hardest as she was a good singer.  At a couple of the church's we attended she would sing on the worship team.  That first church service was heart wrenching, I could hear her singing next to me.  I could feel her hand on mine as we would pray and felt myself putting my arm around her shoulder during the service.  It came to the point that I quite going for awhile as I could not handle crying each time I went.  Then one day the pastor I am working with told me to change seats and remember it is me worshiping God and to make it more personal. 

This Sunday was probably the hardest time going back to church, as I went back to the church we went to when we lived in a different town.  Our house we owned was behind the church so as I pulled in my heart started to ache.  As I walked through the door I could feel the lump in my throat as I was trying to choke back the tears, tears I had not shed for over a month.  Once the pastor that had been in our house and we shared our lives with gave me a hug saying he is praying for me and the family I completely lost it.  The rest of the service the tears would turn on and off. 

One thing I have realized is that after each of these episodes of feeling sad because of all the memories and dreams that are now shattered is that I have become stronger.  Yes my heart still aches, but I also realize that I am now building new memories.  These are memories that cannot be taken away no matter what.  Going back to the church service this last Sunday, the kids and I spent the whole holiday weekend at our property in northern Michigan.  The kids learned to shoot guns, find deer signs, chop wood, and make trails.  They spent a full weekend without electronics and enjoying conversation with adults.  After we left they were asking when are they going back again.  These memories are going to last with them forever and gives me hope that I am doing alright as a dad. 

Men this is why you need to keep moving forward and to allow the hurt to happen.  My kids have seen me cry, they know that its okay to be sad with all that is going on.  They also know at any time they can cry on my shoulder.  One word of caution, it is okay to cry in front of your kids, but do not lean on them for emotional help.  That is why I see a counselor and the pastor from my church.  We still need to show the strength they need, but they also need to see emotions happen.  Especially if you have a boy, make sure they know real men do cry.  I love to think about the shortest verse in the Bible "Jesus cried," if the Son of God can cry in front of people so can I. 

Take it One Day at a Time

I do not know how many times I would think of Dorie and her keep on swimming quote. Anytime things started to feel like they were going to fall apart I would walk around saying "just keep swimming, swimming, swimming" to myself. Along with that I posted in my office "Worry about today only."  At the beginning there was so much going on I could not focus on the task at hand.  I was worried about keeping the house, how to pay all the bills? Is she going to take me to the cleaners? Should I get a lawyer? There were other things that I have since forgotten, but it was amazing how much my brain could think about but not accomplish anything.  I was exhausted and tired, and was on the brink of a major breakdown. 

Eventually I could not handle it anymore, I knew I had to do something to start to move forward.  Being a Christian I turned to my Bible to try to understand how to begin to handle this. In Matthew 6:25-34 Jesus talks about not being anxious about anything, that tomorrow has enough to worry about just worry about today.  Eventually that passage took hold and I started to take one day at a time. 

First major step I took was getting a lawyer, your situation might not be the same as mine but for me I needed to have someone else to handle all the legalities.  It was not my intention to do battle with her, I just could not function at work trying to figure out all the legalities of a divorce.  Between child support, getting the house in my name, or any other aspect I just wanted to ensure everything was done correctly.

Speaking of child support, men do not try to skirt out of this.  I had mine cut a little because I am taking care of a step child.  Again this is more of acting with integrity and showing your children that no matter how hurt you are you can do the right thing.  Also, make sure to have it taken out of your check and have everything recorded in the courts.  Do not write checks to her and then give it to your child to give to her.  Remember they are children and do not need to be involved in your divorce. 

There were so many things that have happened in the last eight months that taking it one day at a time was the best thing I could do.  I still walk around some days saying "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming".  I also made the decision I am not making any huge decisions until I have been through a finalized divorce for a year and since my divorce is not final as of yet the clock has not even started. 

If these posts are helping anyone I would love to hear it, would love to hear your story (please no trashing of your ex here).  I know the more that I have let myself talk about my story in a healthy way the more I heal.  Also, if you like these posts please follow my blog as I will continue to share little nuggets that may help on your journey. 

This is No Flesh Wound

Oh single life they say is so much better.  You can do what you want when you want and stay in your underwear all day!!!! Oh shut up, this single life sucks, it is not what I wanted.  I loved being married and taking care of my family.  I loved going to work knowing that what I am earning is helping to provide my children and my wife a life.  Maybe I am weird but I cherished it, I cherished providing my kids with a nice home in a nice part of town.  I cherished allowing my wife the opportunity to stay at home with the kids if she wanted to or going to work if she wanted to.  Was life perfect? Hell no, but everyday I was trying to make it better then the last.

So many people try different things to try to make the divorcee feel better.  Little do they know none of it works, all we want is to scream at the top of our lungs that this sucks and we do not want it.  Just someone to listen to, let us scream and then cry like a little baby.  I do not know how many times I would cry until I could not cry anymore, then cry some more.  Then anger would take over, I would walk up and down the hallway in my house screaming at her ghost, calling her every bad name I knew and then stringing them together.  Anything to try to just ease the pain a little.

I also tried to do things that was against my nature.  One being going to the bar, I have never been someone to go to the bar, but I wanted to be apart of something.  Anything to get me out of the house and feel oppressed by her ghost.  Let me say none of this worked, I felt better for an hour or so but then it all came back.

Just hoping to help you realize that this pain is real and it is going to stick around for awhile.  When you think it is over it will come back again.  Yes it is a bleak picture, but the pain does make you stronger and allow you to cherish the good moments. Then some good moments string together to become days of good moments and you will find your smile again.  Soon you realize that this is not all bad, there is some diamonds in this rough.  Even through these good times do not be disheartened when you have a rough day again, those will come.  Eight months from the beginning of this I still have moments that my heart races and my mind will go into overload, but instead of being a full day like that I have had enough good moments to calm myself down and move forward.

Some advise as you go through this.  First, get into counseling.  Counseling is not for the weak, and what you are about to embark takes out the strongest of men.  It is going to hurt like hell and your inner voice is going to start spreading some lies to you.  If you do not get that under control you will start to believe those lies and the wheels start to fall off.  Second, if you are like me and go to church find someone from church to talk to about your spiritual life. In another post I will talk about how I almost lost my way completely because of the anger I had with God.  The counselor I have is God fearing and helps complement the pastor I am working with.  DO NOT try to do this on your own, you are not an island and there are many people who are willing to help. 

Please share with anyone you know who might need to hear this.  Also, please follow if you like what you are reading.  There will be more posts of this journey I am on and hoping to help someone walk through divorce.

Take Care of Your Children

"When are you and mom getting back together again?" "I want the old family back." "Why did mom leave us?" These questions and statements haunted me and still do.  How do I answer them? Should I tell them the truth?.......

Not only did I have these questions but with three children each one was acting differently. The oldest (who is a step child but choose to stay with me and the other two) is a teenager and would hide in her room.  I know this is natural for any teenager but I wanted to make sure she was alright.  My son who is the middle child and just like me held everything in and not say much.  I would question a little but would not pry.  The youngest was a totally different story, she is the one that would ask the questions, I knew the other two were looking to see how I would answer and they had the same questions too. 

So how did I handle it?  First I would tell my youngest to pray, pray that God would heal our family and mommy would come back to us.  After awhile and when my ex decided to see the kids more regularly (we have 50/50 custody) I would tell the youngest that our family is not going back to the way it was and that we are going to learn together our new normal.  It broke my heart every time the questions would come up and I would see the heartache in their eyes. 

Some of the other actions my children took was sleeping in the bed with me (not the teenager of course but the younger two).  Again the youngest would be the honest one, she said one night she wants to sleep in my bed to make sure I did not leave like mommy did. That tore me apart, I assured her I would never leave her and also told her mommy loved her.  One last statement that was made that broke me in two was when my youngest was mad at me she said "I know why mommy left you were not loyal to her!!!!!!"  Luckily I walked away from her before shouting back "you have it all wrong, mommy was not loyal twice." Instead I took a breather from the situation and walked in letting her know that mommy was the one that wanted to leave and that as a child she needs to worry about kid stuff. 

Men here is my advise.  Purpose in your heart not to speak badly about your ex in front of the children.  Do whatever you can to help your children to love their mommy  It will be extremely hard with all the arrows that will be flying your way from your ex and her lawyer, but remember the kids have half her blood in them and will always love their mom.  No matter how rough things become and the lies that may be said, know that after everything is over the kids will be there and you do not want to be trying to explain your actions away. 

In another post I will go over some ways to run a household as a single dad.  Luckily for me I already did a lot of the chores around the house and knew how to cook, but there are still challenges of getting everything done.  First though make sure you are plugged into a church and have people around you that can help you to walk through the first couple of months, the emotional roller coaster takes a toll, and trying to raise kids just ads to the stress.  I did not ask for help enough, the church I attend asked if they could cook for me for the first couple weeks and because of my pride I said "no."  I wish I would have taken them up on it, as the meals we had were not very good. 

I want to end this post with a glimpse of how Jesus treated the children while he walked the earth:


Let the Children Come to Me
13 And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. 14 But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. 15 Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” 16 And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them.


The Holy Bible: English Standard Version. 2001 (Mk 10:13–16). Wheaton: Standard Bible Society.

I love how Jesus took them in his arms and blessed them.  I tell my kids all the time no matter what is happening Jesus is there with open arms willing to listen. 

Danger Ahead

Throughout this blog I will go over different aspects of my divorce that I have learned from.  Be it from feelings to actions I have taken.  Right now I want to address one huge danger that I walked into and luckily walked out of before becoming burned.

The danger I am talking of is the rebound relationship.  Let me be clear DO NOT GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT AWAY!!!!! I cannot say it enough DO NOT GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT AWAY!!!!! Yes I know your lonely and it hurts just to look at the bed.  If your like me you have slept on the couch, the floor, in a chair, anywhere to get some sleep.  I was on Xanex, Ambien, and would take Nyquil. If I was lucky the first two months I would get three hours of sleep.  It sucked, I just wanted the pain to go away and become manageable, so I took the advise of those around me and worked hard to get a date.  Believing the lie that in order to get over a relationship you need to get into one. 

The first date should have been my clue to never call her again.  She had different beliefs then me, a different political view, and a different way to raise her kids.  For some reason instead of walking away I would text her daily and we had more dates, including an evening with all the kids together.  What I liked about it was the pain I was feeling was replaced with infatuation.  The butterflies and puppy love came back.  Even though the warning signs were there I ignored them and went full forward with this relationship.  All of the sudden one morning I woke up understanding that I needed to stop this relationship from going further then where it was going.

Men, I know what its like, you miss wrapping your arms around the woman you loved.  You miss waking up to her next to you and giving her the soft kiss before going to work then coming home to her.  You would give anything to get that back.  But I believe Solomon said it right in Ecclesiastes 3....."there is a time for everything."  The time right now is for healing and spending time reflecting on who you are.  Also, if you have children like I do the time right now is to take care of them (there will be more on children in a future post).  They have had the same trauma we have had and need to have stability, and getting into a relationship will not help that.  

I hope this helps someone to avoid the pitfall I walked into.  I know how much it hurts, my situation may not be the same as yours, but the pain is there.  I am not totally out of it yet, and have moments I go backwards in my healing.  Please reach out with any questions you may have on how to deal with the pain, know there are others out there who have or are walking this path you are on. Just please do not turn to another woman to take away the pain.