This is No Flesh Wound

Oh single life they say is so much better.  You can do what you want when you want and stay in your underwear all day!!!! Oh shut up, this single life sucks, it is not what I wanted.  I loved being married and taking care of my family.  I loved going to work knowing that what I am earning is helping to provide my children and my wife a life.  Maybe I am weird but I cherished it, I cherished providing my kids with a nice home in a nice part of town.  I cherished allowing my wife the opportunity to stay at home with the kids if she wanted to or going to work if she wanted to.  Was life perfect? Hell no, but everyday I was trying to make it better then the last.

So many people try different things to try to make the divorcee feel better.  Little do they know none of it works, all we want is to scream at the top of our lungs that this sucks and we do not want it.  Just someone to listen to, let us scream and then cry like a little baby.  I do not know how many times I would cry until I could not cry anymore, then cry some more.  Then anger would take over, I would walk up and down the hallway in my house screaming at her ghost, calling her every bad name I knew and then stringing them together.  Anything to try to just ease the pain a little.

I also tried to do things that was against my nature.  One being going to the bar, I have never been someone to go to the bar, but I wanted to be apart of something.  Anything to get me out of the house and feel oppressed by her ghost.  Let me say none of this worked, I felt better for an hour or so but then it all came back.

Just hoping to help you realize that this pain is real and it is going to stick around for awhile.  When you think it is over it will come back again.  Yes it is a bleak picture, but the pain does make you stronger and allow you to cherish the good moments. Then some good moments string together to become days of good moments and you will find your smile again.  Soon you realize that this is not all bad, there is some diamonds in this rough.  Even through these good times do not be disheartened when you have a rough day again, those will come.  Eight months from the beginning of this I still have moments that my heart races and my mind will go into overload, but instead of being a full day like that I have had enough good moments to calm myself down and move forward.

Some advise as you go through this.  First, get into counseling.  Counseling is not for the weak, and what you are about to embark takes out the strongest of men.  It is going to hurt like hell and your inner voice is going to start spreading some lies to you.  If you do not get that under control you will start to believe those lies and the wheels start to fall off.  Second, if you are like me and go to church find someone from church to talk to about your spiritual life. In another post I will talk about how I almost lost my way completely because of the anger I had with God.  The counselor I have is God fearing and helps complement the pastor I am working with.  DO NOT try to do this on your own, you are not an island and there are many people who are willing to help. 

Please share with anyone you know who might need to hear this.  Also, please follow if you like what you are reading.  There will be more posts of this journey I am on and hoping to help someone walk through divorce.