Don't Give Up

When I first became single again and everything was fresh I became a hermit.  I did not want to go the places we went to, did not want to do the activities we would do together.  All I did was go to work, come home, and try to function as a dad.  Eventually I decided it was time to live again, but I knew that would mean to reopen some of the wounds that I had tried to put a band aide over.  These wounds had not healed and never would heal unless I started to live again. 

The first step was to go to the restaurant we both loved to go, it was our go to when we had no idea where we wanted to eat.  So one day I decided I am going to take myself there and move past the fact it was "our" place.  I did not last long there but once I moved past the pain I was able to move into a place of healing.  Some of the other activities was to go fishing the first time without my normal fishing buddy and going to church.  One activity I have not done yet and will probably do next year would be to go to the local minor league baseball game, we spent a ton of time there as a family. 

Going back to church was probably the hardest as she was a good singer.  At a couple of the church's we attended she would sing on the worship team.  That first church service was heart wrenching, I could hear her singing next to me.  I could feel her hand on mine as we would pray and felt myself putting my arm around her shoulder during the service.  It came to the point that I quite going for awhile as I could not handle crying each time I went.  Then one day the pastor I am working with told me to change seats and remember it is me worshiping God and to make it more personal. 

This Sunday was probably the hardest time going back to church, as I went back to the church we went to when we lived in a different town.  Our house we owned was behind the church so as I pulled in my heart started to ache.  As I walked through the door I could feel the lump in my throat as I was trying to choke back the tears, tears I had not shed for over a month.  Once the pastor that had been in our house and we shared our lives with gave me a hug saying he is praying for me and the family I completely lost it.  The rest of the service the tears would turn on and off. 

One thing I have realized is that after each of these episodes of feeling sad because of all the memories and dreams that are now shattered is that I have become stronger.  Yes my heart still aches, but I also realize that I am now building new memories.  These are memories that cannot be taken away no matter what.  Going back to the church service this last Sunday, the kids and I spent the whole holiday weekend at our property in northern Michigan.  The kids learned to shoot guns, find deer signs, chop wood, and make trails.  They spent a full weekend without electronics and enjoying conversation with adults.  After we left they were asking when are they going back again.  These memories are going to last with them forever and gives me hope that I am doing alright as a dad. 

Men this is why you need to keep moving forward and to allow the hurt to happen.  My kids have seen me cry, they know that its okay to be sad with all that is going on.  They also know at any time they can cry on my shoulder.  One word of caution, it is okay to cry in front of your kids, but do not lean on them for emotional help.  That is why I see a counselor and the pastor from my church.  We still need to show the strength they need, but they also need to see emotions happen.  Especially if you have a boy, make sure they know real men do cry.  I love to think about the shortest verse in the Bible "Jesus cried," if the Son of God can cry in front of people so can I.