Enjoy the Ride

These last few months have been a roller coaster of a ride.  There have been great days, meh days, and then I don't want to move or breathe days.  Not until just recently have I been able to start enjoying the ride.  I now realize that the bad days are getting shorter and they help to bring me to total healing.

Part of this healing is coming to the realization that the single life is not as bad as I thought it would be.  I can do things when I want, how I want, and where I want to do them.  One of my passions is the great outdoors, be it fishing or hunting.  When I was married I gave up a lot of those passions in order to help support the family and also to spend time with my wife.  I no longer have to do this. I still have to support the family, I just do not have to pour as much energy in that as I used to.  As I pursue my passions my kids have become more interested in what I like to do.  This is helping them to become more rounded human beings.

Another huge step forward in healing was to start to dream on my own.  As you know if you have gone or are going through divorce the shattered dreams are the hardest to overcome.  I went to work everyday knowing what it was my ex and I dreamed of for the future; be it future vacations, the house we wanted to buy eventually, or the next vehicle.  These dreams were all there and etched into my brain.  After she first left I still clung to those dreams hoping to fulfill them.  As I continued to heal I realized that these dreams were not fully mine; they were ours, and that in order to heal I needed to have dreams that were mine.  These dreams look nothing like the dreams I had with my ex.  In fact these dreams do not have another person other then my children in them.

This is the key to healing, to be comfortable with being single.  Without going into a long tirade, our culture has relationships all wrong.  We put such a huge emphasis on finding your "soulmate" and to have a family we forget that it is perfectly fine to be single for a season.  In fact the season might end up being a lifetime, but being single does not mean you are alone.  The Bible talks about it is not good for man to be alone, it does not say it is not good for man not to be married. In fact Paul talked about for some men it is better to not be married in order to do more for the gospel.  I look at my life as I have been married, now divorced, and now is the time to be single for awhile if not for the rest of my life. I will never be alone.  Between having children, friends, and a church family there will always be someone in my life.

The ride you are on is going to be full of ups and downs, twists and turns.  There will be days that everything is flipped upside down.  Through it all though remember you are not alone on this journey, yes, you are single now.  Yes, you will have to realign your dreams to what you want.  This is a time of tremendous  growth if you will allow it to happen.  Enjoy the ride, allow the pain to teach you to be tougher and to grow into the man God made you to be.

Stay True to Yourself (even if its rediscovering who you are)

As I go through this painful process of divorce I have learned that being who I am is extremely important.  For years I have tried to be everything to everyone and lost perspective of who I was and am.  This led me to going into a rebound relationship when I was not ready for a relationship, I needed to heal and make sure I was strong enough to stay true to myself and be the best person I can be. 

At first the only question I had was "Who am I without the family I once knew?"  To be honest I did not know who I was.  I spent countless hours and sleepless nights thinking about this question and trying to find the answer.  One answer that I did get was none of this was a mistake, me being married and now divorced was not outside of God's plan for my life.  Right now in the middle of it I cannot see the good that is going to come out of this but I realize there are others who have traveled this road before me and have a much better life. 

Another aspect of my life I know I am is what many people would call a nice guy.  Understanding this was important because I am not able to comprehend how some men can go from one woman to the next without any remorse.  Or to put it more bluntly how men can have one night stands.  I am not built that way, I am a family guy and always will be. I love being the dad, being the husband who always comes home after work.  This was a huge enlightenment as it helped me to understand that I am not going to quickly get into a relationship, it is going to take some time to get there.

Becoming comfortable with being single is another area that I have learned to be true to myself.  It took this weekend to get there, actually spent a Friday night trying to watch a movie but instead sat in tears wanting to just talk to someone.  Instead of reaching out I forced myself to sit there by myself and feel the emotions.  Did it hurt? Hell yes, but afterwards I was able to become more comfortable with being single. 

Throughout this process I have learned that each day will bring something new that I will need to work through.  There are going to be moments of sadness, then moments of hope. The moments of hope help to bring through the moments of sadness.  I also know that if God brings someone new into my life down the road I want to make sure I can be a better person then when I was first married. I want to learn from my mistakes, and also to learn to be true to myself and be confident in who this person is.   This might mean it takes longer to find new love, but good things come to those who wait.  

Don't Give Up

When I first became single again and everything was fresh I became a hermit.  I did not want to go the places we went to, did not want to do the activities we would do together.  All I did was go to work, come home, and try to function as a dad.  Eventually I decided it was time to live again, but I knew that would mean to reopen some of the wounds that I had tried to put a band aide over.  These wounds had not healed and never would heal unless I started to live again. 

The first step was to go to the restaurant we both loved to go, it was our go to when we had no idea where we wanted to eat.  So one day I decided I am going to take myself there and move past the fact it was "our" place.  I did not last long there but once I moved past the pain I was able to move into a place of healing.  Some of the other activities was to go fishing the first time without my normal fishing buddy and going to church.  One activity I have not done yet and will probably do next year would be to go to the local minor league baseball game, we spent a ton of time there as a family. 

Going back to church was probably the hardest as she was a good singer.  At a couple of the church's we attended she would sing on the worship team.  That first church service was heart wrenching, I could hear her singing next to me.  I could feel her hand on mine as we would pray and felt myself putting my arm around her shoulder during the service.  It came to the point that I quite going for awhile as I could not handle crying each time I went.  Then one day the pastor I am working with told me to change seats and remember it is me worshiping God and to make it more personal. 

This Sunday was probably the hardest time going back to church, as I went back to the church we went to when we lived in a different town.  Our house we owned was behind the church so as I pulled in my heart started to ache.  As I walked through the door I could feel the lump in my throat as I was trying to choke back the tears, tears I had not shed for over a month.  Once the pastor that had been in our house and we shared our lives with gave me a hug saying he is praying for me and the family I completely lost it.  The rest of the service the tears would turn on and off. 

One thing I have realized is that after each of these episodes of feeling sad because of all the memories and dreams that are now shattered is that I have become stronger.  Yes my heart still aches, but I also realize that I am now building new memories.  These are memories that cannot be taken away no matter what.  Going back to the church service this last Sunday, the kids and I spent the whole holiday weekend at our property in northern Michigan.  The kids learned to shoot guns, find deer signs, chop wood, and make trails.  They spent a full weekend without electronics and enjoying conversation with adults.  After we left they were asking when are they going back again.  These memories are going to last with them forever and gives me hope that I am doing alright as a dad. 

Men this is why you need to keep moving forward and to allow the hurt to happen.  My kids have seen me cry, they know that its okay to be sad with all that is going on.  They also know at any time they can cry on my shoulder.  One word of caution, it is okay to cry in front of your kids, but do not lean on them for emotional help.  That is why I see a counselor and the pastor from my church.  We still need to show the strength they need, but they also need to see emotions happen.  Especially if you have a boy, make sure they know real men do cry.  I love to think about the shortest verse in the Bible "Jesus cried," if the Son of God can cry in front of people so can I. 

Take it One Day at a Time

I do not know how many times I would think of Dorie and her keep on swimming quote. Anytime things started to feel like they were going to fall apart I would walk around saying "just keep swimming, swimming, swimming" to myself. Along with that I posted in my office "Worry about today only."  At the beginning there was so much going on I could not focus on the task at hand.  I was worried about keeping the house, how to pay all the bills? Is she going to take me to the cleaners? Should I get a lawyer? There were other things that I have since forgotten, but it was amazing how much my brain could think about but not accomplish anything.  I was exhausted and tired, and was on the brink of a major breakdown. 

Eventually I could not handle it anymore, I knew I had to do something to start to move forward.  Being a Christian I turned to my Bible to try to understand how to begin to handle this. In Matthew 6:25-34 Jesus talks about not being anxious about anything, that tomorrow has enough to worry about just worry about today.  Eventually that passage took hold and I started to take one day at a time. 

First major step I took was getting a lawyer, your situation might not be the same as mine but for me I needed to have someone else to handle all the legalities.  It was not my intention to do battle with her, I just could not function at work trying to figure out all the legalities of a divorce.  Between child support, getting the house in my name, or any other aspect I just wanted to ensure everything was done correctly.

Speaking of child support, men do not try to skirt out of this.  I had mine cut a little because I am taking care of a step child.  Again this is more of acting with integrity and showing your children that no matter how hurt you are you can do the right thing.  Also, make sure to have it taken out of your check and have everything recorded in the courts.  Do not write checks to her and then give it to your child to give to her.  Remember they are children and do not need to be involved in your divorce. 

There were so many things that have happened in the last eight months that taking it one day at a time was the best thing I could do.  I still walk around some days saying "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming".  I also made the decision I am not making any huge decisions until I have been through a finalized divorce for a year and since my divorce is not final as of yet the clock has not even started. 

If these posts are helping anyone I would love to hear it, would love to hear your story (please no trashing of your ex here).  I know the more that I have let myself talk about my story in a healthy way the more I heal.  Also, if you like these posts please follow my blog as I will continue to share little nuggets that may help on your journey.